Twenty Something Twenty Everything !
Young , single, with money to blow and your whole life ahead of you. That's the terrific twenties when one can go from gym to party to boardroom (or bedroom).
It’s like this. You’re 25, but feel 45. You should be having the time of your life. But all you do is stress about your future-free job, scary debts often from educational loans of college education, alleged friends and non-existent partner. If your life was a movie it would go straight to video. And nobody would rent it.
You’re not alone. Ask any twentysomething how they’re doing and they will bravely say, “fine”. They might well be. But scratch the surface and you’ll see that for many of us all is not fine. Not really. Far from roaring, your twenties are an extended mourning period. Wave goodbye to the metabolism which lets you eat anything and stay thin. Cry for the constitution which gets you over hangovers in hours not days. Watch in horror as your eyebrows turn to topiary. We stop growing and start ageing. And the freedom-responsibility balance tips as we are faced with the three Ms — mortgage, monogamy and marriage.
Feeling you should be having, doing or being more is the core of the “quarterlife crisis”. Suddenly, 30 is so close you can smell it and everyone is doing better than you (or seems to be). The excitement of graduation fades. Real life sets in. And it’s expensive, ugly and competitive. We feel stressed, inadequate and somehow not quite as good as our peers. We feel poorer, less successful and less together. We feel, even though we’re only twentysomething, that our lives are in crisis.
The malaise, which strikes way before the classic midlife crisis, has even started afflicting Bollywood heroes. Why else did the college-going Sid (played by Ranbir Kapoor) need a three-hour film to wake up?
Anxiety, confusion, loneliness and short lifespan of relationships are telltale symptoms and they're showing up everywhere: the frequency with which jobs are changed and the number of youngsters seeking solace in spirituality is all part of this phenomenon.
The expectation hangover
Christine Hassler, life coach and author of '20 Something, 20 Everything' who first identified and trademarked the 'expectation hangover epidemic' , says the crisis crops up when there are no clear answers to the 'Twenties Triangle' . ''Who am I, what do I want and how do I get it? Not knowing the answers to those questions leads to feelings of panic, confusion, or lack of motivation,'' she says.
Spoilt for choice
But is it angst or the availability of too many options? After all in a world of too many choices – when even choosing a mobile ring tone is a difficult decision – working out what you want can be tough. Ishan Bakshi, a 26-year-old who lives in Delhi, admits he's spoilt for choice. An MBA, he quit his job in the investment advisory division of a bank because "I didn't see myself doing that kind of work for the next 20 years. It was too limiting." Now he's contemplating a PhD in economics. '' I have been trying to understand where I want to go and what I want to do." That's what many others are grappling with too. Ronesh Puri, MD of Executive Access, a headhunting firm, says that it is becoming increasingly common for young people to make drastic career switches. ''The problem is expectations. They get disappointed easily as everybody wants more.'' While the quarterlife crisis is almost becoming an epidemic in urban India, the young don't know who to turn to for help. Shaima Gupta, 25, often starts an instant messaging conversation with her friends with - "I'm depressed. I'm so broke, it's killing me. I wanted to buy something today and it killed me that I couldn't. Usually, I just swipe my card and buy it. I have no idea where my life is heading! I wish I had never turned 25." She abruptly ends the conversation with ''you probably don't need this now'' even before the friend on the other side of the screen has a chance to respond.
Dating dance
If the young are fickle in spiritual matters so are they in matters of the heart. While most 20-somethings are serial daters, they are just as lonely despite changing partners. Sara M, a self-confessed serial dater, says there's nothing wrong with trial and error.'' It's just a matter of who you would like to end up with, and sometimes you're not sure about that in your head,'' she says. She often finds herself depressed and lonely because there's just no one who really gets her. ''I have more than 300 friends on Facebook, but how many are really friends?'' she asks.
Psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Minnu Bhonsle says it's not commitment phobia so much as the realisation that the relationship "does not have the potential to last" that makes many 20-somethings break up.
A quarterlife crisis though is not the end of the world. Regular counselling which increases self-worth can help, says C R Chandrashekhar, senior psychiatrist, NIMHANS. ''We tell people to look at their achievements and feel good about them rather than comparing themselves with others.'' He also says there can be physical manifestations like headaches, body aches and depression. Life coach Hassler says that a quarterlife crisis is something to walk through with patience and compassion. ''The best thing is not to look at yourself as broken or failing in anyway and then begin an internal investigation meaning personal growth work.''
She admits that when she was 25, she woke up one day in a cold sweat and found herself in the midst of her own quarterlife crisis. ''The good news is that I survived it and can honestly say it was one of the best experiences of my life.''
Don’t panic: you’ve got 30 years to sort things out
Try not to measure how successful you are by what your friends are earning. Set your own personal benchmarks for success Avoid stumbling in and out of jobs in rapid succession. It looks bad on the CV. If you really hate the job, consider a sabbatical or work on a voluntary project. If you haven't met the man or woman of your dreams, what's the big hurry? If you are still unhappy, remember, you probably have more than 30 years to sort it out. And worrying will give you wrinkle lines!
With inputs from Insiya Amir in Delhi and Jayashree Nandi in Bangalore, and The Times of India, Deccan Chronicle
